Politics and policies

Last night we had an FRG meeting for the company during which I found myself conversing rather extensively with the Captain (who commands the company) regarding the calendar. One of the items coming up next month is an AFAP panel (Armed Forces Action Plan) which is of interest since the panel discusses issues of concern across the whole spectrum of military life. After the FRG meeting, the Captain and two Sergeants were chatting about some AFAP issues they were particularly interested in but they had all congregated around my table since the Captian had come over to me to again discuss the calendar. It was odd to be chatting with an officer and a couple of NCO's while Man kept busy on the other side of the room, keeping kids in line while he waited for me so we could go home. Oddly, some portion of what I had discussed with the Colonel (who is a Garrison Commander) came up in the conversation as well, not that I bandy an officer's name so lightly.

Afterward I asked Man if it bothered him that I was rubbing shoulders with several of his superiors when he, technically, shouldn't. He said it was fine but I could tell that it made him nervous, hoping that my being on the radar would have a positive or neutral impact on their view of him.

The truth is, I hate politics. I treat people with respect but I don't play the flattery game. I really don't like how some people try to "get one the good side of" or "try to make head way with" or otherwise play people. The reason I do the calendar is because I like to have information. Being part of the system means that I get to hear a lot more of what the higher ups personally have to say rather than relying on rumors or websites. I'm not looking for classified information or an edge on my husband's career. I just want to know what going on in the world around me, what impact it'll have on my family, how to negotiate the difficult bits, and how to survive. In the mean time, that means putting forth a bit of effort and interest in the community. And maybe making my husband a bit uncomfortable.

Why does this matter? I sort of wonder if I'm being played. I wonder if the system is so scintillatingly enticing that I'm being suckered into playing for what I want and being made useful so that others have what they want. And then I wonder if that's really so bad. It's all one common cause, isn't it? I've spent most of my thinking life enjoying my differences as a defense against not being able to play along, being torn between the rebel and the benefits of just fitting in. Once again, here I am justifying my involvement in the community by saying it's all for selfish purposes. It doesn't really mean that I'm trying to fit in. But I find that even though I'm not trying to, a place is slowly being made for me. In my quest for finding and knowing, I've sort of unwittingly created an acknowledgement of a need I fill. It's awkward for a semi-backward country girl with little "real life" experience to be dropped in the middle of the military and find that I have a place. I didn't mean to!!

But aren't my experiences real? Bad relationships, great relationships, living in a few states, totalled cars, health problems for children, my husband's job so directly impacted by politics, and all of this I have studied and experienced and plunged through and come out alright so far. Can I now say that I'm no longer totally ignorant, sheltered, and inexperienced? I guess I'm waiting for my permission switch to flip so I can fully acknowledge and accept my adulthood and autonomy. I've spent too long in the mentallity that others have assigned to me and recalling labels that felt too real to me. Maybe this is the root of my angst concerning the organization of my home among other things.

Well, that's good to know. Moving on.