Sleep consult

So, after an interview with my sleep specialist, she has two ideas of what may be wrong with me. The first and most likely is that I have sleep apnea. An overnight study later in the month will confirm.

Me: So what's the second thing?

Dr: Narcolepsy.

Me: [snort] Seriously? But that's a funny condition. I mean, comic relief in movies kind of funny. Mr Bean in Rat Race had that condition. I'm not Rowan Atkinson, I don't fall asleep in the middle of anything though there are times I wish I could....

Dr: If you do, [looking exceedingly tolerant] it's a mild form of it. It would mean that your brain doesn't make enough of a chemical to allow you to wake fully. Mild medication can help.

Me: [hopeful] Wait, people with this can't drive, right?

Dr: They can if their condition is well managed.

Me: Oh... darn. I mean, cool, I can get help. Leedle pills.

The drive home almost put me to sleep though. Both lanes of traffic were closed forcing EVERYONE off the highway onto MY exit. By the time I got there it was backed up over 1/2 of a mile and growing. Turkeys who thought they oughta go faster than the rest of us hopped the shoulder and bypassed everyone, and then I noticed that every one of the people who did that were in military uniforms. And then I realized that these were the people who really would get into the worst sort of trouble for being late, and grudgingly quit thinking badly of them. Turkeys.

After I use a c-pap machine for 3-4 weeks, if it isn't helping significantly I go back for a daytime trial that will somehow tell them whether I'm narcoleptic. Apparently I answered two questions that hit on narcolepsy. The first was affirming that I have very vivid dreams close to waking up. Sometimes the dreams seem so important that it feels like betraying someone if I don't hit snooze and finish the dream. They always leave me panting and confused and feeling a great sense of urgency. The second was cataplexy, or the loss of muscle control which is usually triggered by feeling strong emotions. Don't worry folks, peeing while being tickled doesn't qualify. Basically, when I laugh or cry I feel weak in my limbs and either have to lean over or sit down for a while. I thought that it was common to feel that way, common for people to lose the ability to stand when experiencing great emotion. Oh, well. There are times during the day when I'm feeling tired and I just can't walk straight. It could be klutziness, or NARCOLEPSY. Which, with just one transposition, could sound like NECROLEPSY which is like DEATH and LEPROSY. Isn't an associative imagination so fun?

Anyway, back on track. One of the ways they tell if you have narcolepsy is a spinal tap. Which I don't want to get. Ever. I don't want anything else in my spine now that I'm done getting epidurals and I'm so not interested in even needing or being considered to need a blood patch. The other way to tell is to have you try to fall asleep during the day and checking to see how long it takes. Which sounds a lot nicer. "Come on in and take a nap in our comfortable facility and your insurance will pick up the tab." Sweet.

Oddly, I had a friend in high school who, upon finding me dozing in the coffee shop where he worked, asked me if I was narcoleptic. It seemed that every time he saw me I was trying to get a few zzz's. I just figured it was the early morning seminary + homework talking.

Homemade pizza for dinner. Spinach and bacon for the grown ups, pepperoni and pineapple for the kids.



Mr Bean, who plays a narcolept: