There can be only one

It worked!! Today the older kids were talking about their uncle, aunts, and grandparents on my side of the family.

Tag: I have an Oma and she's a girl.
PB: I have a girl Oma, too!
Me: You both have an Oma?
Both: Yes!
Me: Is there more than one Oma?
PB: No! We have just one Oma, one Opa, one Uncle (name), one Aunt (name), and one Aunt (name). Just one of everything!

Hehe. That was my design when my first child was born so that when someone said "Oma" we'd know exactly who they were talking about. Over the past year my kids have been introduced to so many different grandparents who have been kind enough to love them that for a little while they seemed overwhelmed with all the new "Grandma (name)"s. They are totally square on which grandparents really are theirs now, but the whole time they only had one Oma, and one Opa.

Ah, it's nice to avoid that sort of identification stress. So there ya go, Mom and Dad! I've gone to great lengths to make sure you guys are always remembered and are one of a kind. Not that you're not one of a kind in your own right... but you know what I mean. ;)

Trying on the St. Patty's hat

Crazy Rabid Squirrel!

No more hosting hat

I love www.recipezaar.com . I've loved it ever since January of 2003 when I first went there seeking a stroganoff recipe to jazz up my attempts. I was there when they celebrated their 75,000th recipe, their 100,000th recipe, and just recently they've hit the 200,000th recipe mark. I've helped put recipes in their correct categories, beta test the new look, host the Thanksgiving help desk chat thingy, co host two different forums and even lobbied to get one of them created. I've received personal correspondence from the founders on two different occasions and considered putting in a resume at one point to be a customer service rep online.

After a lot of introspection, I've begun to rethink and reshape my free time and not so free time. On Sunday I forget which grey-haired general authority said something that really gave me a shock: "You spend time doing the things that really matter to you."

It's a simple little thought. It makes perfect sense. It's perfectly true. I'm in the fortunate position of being a stay at home mom to our three kids and I truly have the freedom to spend time doing the things that matter to me. But is hosting on a recipe website really that important to me right now? Is that one hour a day worth spending on answering questions for those who honestly could have googled their question and gotten a more thorough, better researched reply than I have to offer?

With a sigh of sadness and relief, I take off the hosting hat and give myself the gift of an extra hour every day to do precisely what I truly value: nurturing and cherishing the people and relationships that mean so much to me; shaping and refining how this house is run and making it a home; developing skills and talents that bless my life and those around me.

Sometimes saying no isn't such a selfish thing. And sometimes it isn't such a terrible thing if it is selfish.

Silly to have to learn these things in this society. What was it called... ah, meritocracy. That's right. Now I have two less "merit badges" to share with those who ask about what's going on in my life.

But learning how to be and do in such a way that fully exercises my right to think and choose -- now that's courageous.

Movie Review: The Prestige

Starring Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale... how could you go wrong? Add Michael Cain, Andy Serkis, David Bowie, and Scarlett Johansson and it's gonna be pretty darn cool. The story follows two magicians as they do everything and anything to prove that they are the better magician. It challenges the way you see everything in the film and totally creeped me out.

It's difficult to layer and arrange a movie where you can put things at the very beginning that are obviously clues but still be able to withhold their meanings until the very end. Creepy, cool, intense, and I couldn't get it out of my head all night last night. Will be watching it again this morning. Since we don't really do rated R movies, this one is the most gripping I've seen in a very long time. PG-13 doesn't get more intense than this and it was some yummy brain candy after a long day of child care.

Watch it after the kids are in bed so you can catch the whole thing. Love Christian Bale but I always have to turn the subtitles on when he's in a movie.

Our little friends

The other day we found a little guy crawling around in the steps outside. Today, we have two more. Tomorrow? Who the heck knows. The kids love watching them out the window and are very careful to do nothing that would hurt them. Man says we can get a ticket for chasing a bird on a beach. I can't imagine what they'd do to us if we hurt a caterpillar.

Mustachioed kidlets

I've got this uncle who loves watching kids play with cool toys. I think we all live a little vicariously through watching them having a blast with these little gadgets. I just about died when I found a box in the mail from him with a bunch of really cool stuff in it. The best one (in my opinion) was the box of self adhesive mustaches. The kids ended up putting them on their upper lips and chins so they could like "just like Dad used to" with a goatee of many colors. We were past their bedtime when I found and opened the box, so the looks on their faces are indicative of their much excitement and fatigue.

A skirt says "It's Sunday"

We hosed down the masses this morning and got everyone in their Sunday best so we could attend the baptisms of two of the young gentlemen in our primary class. Due to a scheduling conflict we had to play musical car so that I could go and conduct the music (while our three kids sat in the crowd) while Man ran off for his obligations. I'm still wearing a necklace and having a hard time remembering that it's only Saturday. I thought about doing laundry but felt guilty all of a sudden for such a blasphemous thought, then remembered that the day to feel guilty for doing housework is still 7 hours away.

Speaking of musical car, any thoughts on multiple vehicles? We're toying with the idea of getting a tiny gas sipper for Man so I can still get out now and then without having to hoof it with two likewise hoofing (and whooping) kids in tow. The alternative would be to get a jogging stroller (a double, for sure) and just make do with appts only on one day a week and hope that no emergencies come up.

Microfiber

I love my couches! They were a major find at a second hand store in my old town. Like new for a fraction of the original cost and with microfiber! I just scrubbed dried on gel pen with nothing but a damp cloth. That's right, damp with water. ::pats self on head:: Goooooood purchase.

Anyone ever heard of this?

For the last few weeks, Man has been going to physical therapy for something wrong with his shoulder. It wasn't until just a couple days ago that the physical therapist has begun to understand the exact nature of this condition. Man showed me last night. He took off his shirt and started to do a pushup against the wall. His right scapula stuck out from his back by a good 3-4" while his left scapula just sort of stayed stuck to his back. What is it? What does it mean? We have no idea but he has some exercises he has to do to try and strengthen his muscles so that his bones will stay put and quit pinching and inflaming the muscles in his shoulder.

Has anyone had any experience with this at all? We're absolutely at a loss except for the exercises he's been prescribed to "try" to make it better. Fortunately (no, really) he's still able to sprint and ruck march (which is a really fast (5 mile?) run at the end of which they pick up at least 60 pounds of gear and march at a quick pace all the way back).

What is the bloody sound of silence?

AKA, refinding my ideal state.

Today we were lazy. It's a Saturday but not. Meals were lazy (steamed rice and fried cabbage for lunch, scalloped potatoes for dinner) and the kids and I did a lot of cuddling, hugging, playing pretend, Princess did some painting, Tag played some ball, Pebbles engaged with everyone at one point or another. I got them into bed on time then quickly turned all the lights out in the house, opened up the living room window and enjoyed the rainy air. Cool, calm, and loud. There's a highway close by, wind, rain. Leaves. Cars, people, the neighbors getting ready for bed themselves. I've never been somewhere that was completely silent. Air conditioning, wind, and for lack of all external noise I have the beating of my own heart.

So, when the kids are running amok, smoke alarms are telling me that dinner is past caramelizing and is now smoking, Man comes home grumpy, and I have another hour of housework to do before crashing in bed for the night, what am I really longing for? Silence? I honestly don't know how such a thing can happen. Being alone? That hasn't happened in many months. What am I really seeking?

This afternoon as I was preparing our cabbage, I was disappointed that my kim chee recipe didn't live up to my expectations and so as I fried up some fresh cabbage I did have a moment of relative silence and alone time. Pebbles was sleeping and the other two were quiet for a moment, I was waiting for the cabbage to sear, and all of a sudden I was struck with a grief that I couldn't perfectly identify.

I can't escape the influence of those around me in shaping and discovering who I am. I often struggle with wanting to be better than what I've become but in a lot of ways I'm bound by duty to spend x amount of time and effort in the daily grind. There is deep fulfillment in what I do. How can I not cherish the hugs and stories, dancing together when Princess's favorite song comes up on the computer? How can I hide my laughter when Tag comes into the kitchen to ask me if his hair looks nicer now that it's shorter as he proudly holds up the kitchen shears?

And yet... some how the angst I thought I left behind as a teenager still haunts me, in the mid evening with all the lights out and the chilly rain air making my feet cold. I fight off depression and wonder if my blood sugar or hormones have anything to do with what I'm feeling and I wonder if it's all my fault for not taking care of either properly.

And yet again... What if I'm not perfect? What if I don't perfectly tend my blood glucose levels with perfectly balanced menu planning? What if my hormones are only as regulated as the strongest birth control on the market can make them and I still have dips and shimmies? What if my kids turn out as normal as I did despite my attempts to give them wings? What if I never lose this last 30 pounds that I want to, or go to college, or accomplish something amazing that my grandkids will remember me for?

Do I have to be "[...] Hercules? Or Horatius, or Orpheus... people so lofty they sound as if they shit marble[?]" (forgive the language -- this is from one of my favorite scenes from the movie Amadeus)

You know what got me here. Last week I went to a primary teacher meeting thing at the primary president's house. Her house was apparently perfect. Up on the hills with a view of the ocean, manicured property with indigenous plants, rugs worth many hundreds of dollars underneath their dining room table (they have three or four young children), beautiful Asian works of art, a newly remodeled kitchen with granite counter tops. In short, my dream house but one I carefully never dream of having.

I began to wonder if all of these dreams and expectations I have begun to forsake really are worth forsaking. A lot can be said of accepting who I am and what I do and forgiving the rest when my best is spent. But what about those mountains? So what if it's a mighty struggle to achieve my dreams, as ridiculous and vain (meaning both vanity and hopelessness) as they might appear? I think I'm finally starting to understand the balance between putting forth a mighty effort and in faith accomplishing my dreams, and struggling with everything I have and feeling the struggle every step of the way. The difference is peace. The difference is the silence of my heart, the center of my choice and determination. How far will I let my desire for self acceptance take my will to succeed? How far down will my standards go so that I might forgive myself at the end of the day when I really could have made a superior effort and I didn't even have the excuse of "needing a day?" When I tell myself that the effort of a gourmet meal isn't worth it, am I telling myself that the food isn't worth it, or that my enjoyment of it isn't worth it? Because I'll tell you what, my enjoyment of a thing is most certainly worth the effort of an evening. And what's more, those I love and their enjoyment of a thing is worth my effort as well.

So here I sit with a floor that needs to be swept while I angst my weaselly black guts out to friends and family and wonder if anyone who knows me will even read this incredibly long post.

Well, dear ones, off I go to glory! Off I go to revel in the beautiful feeling of having a swept floor which is the gift I give to myself. And while I'm at it, I think I'll plan a few glycemic index-ly happy menus and maybe look up a few online colleges. It would be a pain in the rear to be basically a single mom with all these stinking goals, but I'd rather have dreams to work for than flat line comfort to ferment in.

Now I just need to think up a few goals that I really want to achieve because by golly and if I may sound even more trite, the sky is the limit. Haha!

My little baby is a year old

And here is her birthday dress, compliments of a doting Oma and Opa:



And proof that she's developing some sass:


I just love the look on her face.

What's my problem?

Princess Butterfly has entered this phase where she is constantly chattering, asking questions, offering her input, explaining something, or telling me her latest brilliant idea for making my tasks easier. Holy cow! I try very hard not to ignore her and about half the time when she asks questions I ask her to puzzle through the answer (mom, why do they like eating outside? PB, why would you like to eat outside?) especially since she only seems to listen to my answers less than half the time. I wonder if it's a plea for attention or validation. There are relatively few kids her age around here that we end up spending quite a bit of time with kids couple years younger than her. Not a bad thing, but it certainly doesn't encourage her language skills. I've been noticing her immature grammar and have been working with her on repeating a phrase back to me with correct form. It drives Man up the wall when I do that b/c he's so tired of grammar he could just pull his hair out.

How do I work with these things without seeming too negative or excessively critical? Man thinks she should clear all this up at school, but I feel like she needs to start at home. She gets into speech ruts so badly that even attempting to repeat a phrase in correct form is extremely difficult and stressful for her.

What this is, mom?
Do you mean, "what is this, mom"?
Yes, what this is.
Try saying it like this please: what is this, mom?
-grunt of protest- Mom, it don't sounds right like dat!!

And while watching Shrek 2: Does donkeys don't like rain?

She's 5 years old and we're still working on banana -- she says padana. For almost 6 months she couldn't say "nemo" until Tag got old enough to say it right at which point she made the switch. She has a very hard time making the "th" sound or even a hard "t" sound.

Am I just making more of an issue of this than I really should? I don't know what to expect out of her and in the mean time one simple exchange of information takes 10 minutes while we talk about the correct way to put it together and practice a few times, and then there are hundreds of other ideas she wants to chat about all day long.


(and watch, now that I've gone through this whole vent about her imperfect grammar, several of you will notice several glaring errors on my part. pot, kettle, and all that. ) ;)

Otoscopes

Inspired by a friend, I went and got an otoscope thing as well. It was only $10 at Walgreens, a penlight with ear thingy, nose thingy, and tongue depressors. I checked my kids' ears and lo and behold, Tag, who has had an increasingly difficult time focusing and listening, had a massive blockage in one ear. Over the course of two days, two applications of ear wax softener and at least a quart of water we finally have his ear cleaned out. I asked him if he could hear out of that ear better and he said no, but we'll have to see what happens today once the water drains out. It looked like a little less than a cc of matter that was flushed.

After we got his ear all cleaned out, he asked if he could look in my ear. One side he pronounced to be very dirty (we'll have to get Man to verify that) and on the other side he said "wow! rainbows!" So... we'll have so see about that side as well.

Organic Walmart

This is controversial, so I apologize if this offends anyone, but I don't apologize for the opinion. ;) Time for a rant!!

Ok, so I have a hard time taking the "organic" thing seriously. Here's one reason why:

Linky

If the only difference between organic produce and "un-organic" produce is a well-placed sign, extra bruising, and double the price tag, then what the heck is the hype? You can't tell if your groceries are organic unless the sign is in the right place and big enough? It's now called a "movement", like women's suffrage was a movement.

Organic food seems to have become simply the latest fad in keeping well and healthy, just another chip in the pile of extreme dieting practices that have only slight impact on any person's life but significant impact on their pocket books.

Sure, do stuff in as natural a way as possible but I won't dispute that a little genetic tampering (it's called breeding in most cases) and chemicals is nice stuff. Some countries would struggle terribly to grow enough food to feed its own without such intervention. Hardier plants, larger fruits, and fewer pests are a great thing! I won't be confined by all of those out there who take their eating habits to a moral level, eliminating from the "acceptable" diet anything but what a monkey of 500 years ago would eat.

Oh, wait, monkeys eat bugs. There is no natural diet on the planet that humans will 100% emulate if you take into consideration both our social inhibitions and physical needs. (We eat bugs, too, but I don't think food coloring counts. It doesn't have a face when you actually crunch it.)

Don't bug me about organic stuff. I like my pesticides. I'll wash the wax off my apple, but I'll also savor how unnaturally large and worm-free and yummy it is.

Another Tag moment

We were at Target while running errands yesterday and happened in be over in the shoe department surrounded by about 5 different older couples when Tag all of a sudden got it in his fool head to make a shocking inquiry:

Mom, do you have your bra on?

I was caught totally off guard by that and you should have seen the looks on some of those old faces. One lady looked like she was about to smack him so I hurried through the department grumbling various threats at him to try to get him to shut up, but he was totally undeterred, repeating his question a few more times before we got out of ear shot. I was torn between busting up laughing and busting his little behind, so I settled for scowling at him and telling him to hush.

What would you have done? My clothing isn't something I'm ashamed of, and neither is my body. But still... bras just aren't things I want to speak about with my young son in a store. Especially with the Pruney Prude Squad watching.

(exceptions: my grandparents are just about the coolest people on the planet and I think every one of them would have laughed at him even if not entirely approving of what he did. I humbly and lovingly exclude them from the PPS)

Product evaluation: Dark chocolate dipped Altoids

Dark chocolate dipped cinnamon altoids. Does it get any better than this? These things are decadent, smooth, and wonderful. I picked up a tin while running errands today and am enchanted. The tin is pretty classy as well. It says that it comes in peppermint, cinnamon, and ginger but didn't see the ginger or would have been all over it. I love the chocolate/cinnamon combo though... like Mexican hot chocolate. It's milk free but certainly not sugar free and of course has that curiously strong flavor.

The stick bug effect

Has everyone seen A Bug's Life by Pixar? There's a part where the walking stick is holding up a (relatively) huge caterpillar and he says "I'm going to snap!" and starts to bend at the joints in painful ways. We discovered last week that this is what a lane of traffic looks like when about 30 people are avoiding an accident. If everyone slows down way too quickly on the highway, people alternate which direction they pull aside to avoid rear ending the next person in line. It was almost scary how organized and practiced this maneuver looked, like everyone had to do it very often. It was my daily dose of adrenaline and almost hypnotic. Everyone eventually straightened out, was grateful that it wasn't an accident, and then it was business as usual. Like it never happened. It was totally surreal.

Anyway, we had the opportunity to drop Man off on the base today and once again I discovered that if the enemy decided to storm a base, they'd quickly lose to our superior ingenuity when it comes to designing totally confusing base roads. There is only one gate I know how to get out of and you can't find a way back to it without traveling a mile up the only road that leads to it so you can bloody turn right. Princess asked with some consternation "mom, why is the car never straight?" "Honey, because the roads are never straight." "Why did they do that? Is the guy who built the road just crazy?"

Tag moment last night: Mom, I need to watch a movie because I have shoulders.

Me: [double take] What?

Tag: [coughs pathetically] Yep, see? I have shoulders. [coughs again, and puts his hand on his shoulder]

Just about the most random plug for sympathy I think I've ever encountered. We didn't watch a movie, FTR.

Overheard in Primary

Man and I are Primary teachers now.

Lady giving sharing time: What do all of these names on this large poster board have in common? (correct answer: "they're all children of God.")

Peanut gallery: They're all mammals?

I tried fasting this morning and only made it to about 9:30 before I started getting dizzy and irritated. I've been very irritated and sugar-wonky all day long. Pebbles hasn't been nursing long enough that I thought I might give it a try but today has proven to me that my body simply isn't ready for it. My last glucose test said that I was in fine shape. I'm thinking of getting a blood sugar tester thingy just so I have something to show a dr next time they blow me off. Either that or prove to myself that it's all in my head.

So for dinner we're having cheesy tater tots and pork stir fry, the two easiest things I could think of except maybe crackers and pb.

Does anyone have a recipe for those stir fried green beans at buffets? Or the cabbage in butter sauce? Have been craving cabbage but have settled for fried cabbage so far.

Princess Butterfly had her first all-girl birthday party yesterday for a girl from her class at church. She had a blast decorating her own cupcake, jumping on the huge trampoline (with nets around it as per community mandate) and giggling with a bunch of girls her age. I got 2 hours of free babysitting. :D She even made part of the gift we gave the little girl so it was especially cool for her when she thanked PB for the very pretty gift.

Pebbles refuses to walk still. I think part of the problem is how dang cold all of these wood floors are. She's definitely our latest walker but I still don't have a problem with it at all. She can almost touch the VCR buttons as it is. It's almost time for my little baby to have her first birthday. Now I know why youngest kids get spoiled. I just don't want to put her down.

What a fun week. I've been home bound this week except for an eye appt for Tag on Monday (no change, which means a slightly stronger prescription) and I caught a glimpse of a Filipino market I'm going to try to check out tonight. I've been walking with my friend quite a bit this week and, is it a fluke? It must be! I checked the scale and everything and I've almost completely lost the weight I put on after moving in with Man again. lol I'm still struggling with a hard core sugar addiction but the walking has dimmed the drive for sugar. I do alright as long as it isn't around for a long time, but I find myself wandering the kitchen in search of something sweet. Princess Butterfly is a very wise young lady and has been rationing out some honey sticks her grandma gave her for her birthday and was kind enough to share one with me (tasted sort of minty) and it seemed to hit the sugar craving really well with such a tiny portion. I've talked to Man in all seriousness about keeping sweets under lock and key. I think that while I was able to kick the habit while living with friends, I wasn't able to kick the addiction. Is it possible to kick addictions? I think about alcoholics or cigarette smokers who can't even smell their vice without having difficulty resisting the urge to just go back to their former ways. I know it's possible to keep refined sugar away forever, but I sure don't want to, and I really hope I don't need to. It's such a slippery slope and it does so much damage to my ability to function pleasantly around my family that at this point it seems like banning it altogether might be my best option. Especially with a strong family history of diabetes. A friend told me that I couldn't just fool my head with gum or carrots, but I should go for a walk or write in a journal. So far the walking is helping, and this is the closest thing to a journal I have. Maybe it's time to get all my craft stuff out again. Maybe have "crafting parties" at my place every week. That'd be a great way to meet people!