Everyone's got somewhere to go

If we don't hear about the medboard before I start school, things will start rolling along for a few months in a new pattern: I'll have school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the three older kids will have school 5 days a week, Freida will go to child care while I'm at school, and Man will have doctors appointments and office work. We'll all have some place to go.

I kind of thought that this sort of arrangement would happen just a little later in life, when Freida would be old enough to attend school full time. I've long wanted some occupation outside the home and it suits my temperament extremely well. But I just thought my youngest would be older.

I tell myself that it's only for 10 hours a week, and that she isn't even fully potty trained yet (much to my chagrin this morning, I tell you) but we're moving into a new phase of life where each of us, for a significant portion of each week, will have their own life outside the family. It's healthy to have some time apart. It's liberating and enlightening and I wouldn't have it any other way. But of course I feel some loss as I think back to when the older two kids were tiny, or even when the younger two were more tiny. Then I start to understand why people get themselves small pets. There are some seriously strong hormones released when a small, warm body cuddles lovingly on your chest.

Maybe I'll feel a grand huzzah when Thing 4 finally potty trains completely. Maybe I won't feel a wrench when my last baby grows accustomed to day care and no longer cries when I leave her. Maybe I'll head off to school but take a moment before starting the engine to sit and thoroughly recall the smell of newborn and the wonder of that first yawn, struggling all over again in amazement that their little heads could be cupped comfortably in the palm of my hand.

Right now I shake myself all over and look up at the sparkling blue eyes that want a bite of my breakfast and to tell me a story about Princess Peach and Luigi. Moving forward feels so slow and awkward for them still. Oh, they'll know better in time.