Feminine appointments at the dr's office

I had to have half of a girlie exam today due to a slight scare in the "oh my gosh, is it one of those kind of lumps???" department.

So, there I am, being doctored by a nice, little old man with half of a British accent. He keeps his eyes mostly trained on the wall opposite him, I keep my eyes on the poster of a monkey someone had thoughtfully taped to the ceiling, and the nurse in attendance keeps a bright smile on her face and does her legal duty to make sure the dr stays one hundred percent professional.

Me: Doc, the only reason I'm letting you do this is because I've had four kids and as many OB's. I'm still really working the happy place angle though... [and then I realized how that sounded]

Doc: Oh, really? [he's concentrating on the wall, and doesn't pay attention. nurse gives one of those half-shocked giggles] Do you examine yourself every month?

Me: No, and I hate to admit it. One of my closest friends is a nurse, and she's always willing to go thumping for the "feel your boobies once a month" crowd. You know, [and I look at the nurse] a girlfriend thing.

The nurse smiles. She understands. This is how I cope.

Doc: Uh-huh. And she's right. A woman of your age should be familiar with her body so that when she gets older she knows when things aren't right.

And he totally made my day, since my last birthday saw me officially transition into my late 20's. The bloom of youth hasn't totally left me, but there's a bit of a droopy lip that comes with such birthdays.

We, all of us, managed to find the offending lump, and then I was given permission to once more clothe myself.

The poor guy was trying so valiantly to be professional and walk on fine porcelain egg shells. A thin line can sometimes be a dangerous one when litigation is on so many entitled minds.

Doc: The good news is, I most definitely believe it probably isn't cancerous. In fact, let's say that it totally almost certainly isn't. I wouldn't actually call it a lump even, since it doesn't display those characteristics of a lump that make it a lump.

Me: [lost in the bewildering labyrinth of qualifiers and absolutes] So, it isn't lumpy enough to be a lump?

Doc: No. And for now, and I think this is ok, if it was a lump the correct procedure would be to perform a lumpectomy and biopsy. But given what we found today, it's safe and good to do, well, not nothing, but... nothing. Yes, let's wait. But if it changes, come back in right away, don't hesitate. But otherwise, let's wait. Since it isn't a lump, no lumpectomy, and waiting will be fine.

I kind of wonder what it's be like to order dinner with this guy.

"Let's have the, not really shrimp but ok, some shrimp. And no tomatoes, which I think is ok, since it's shrimp but tomatoes exist in this restaurant but the lemon can wait, and then there's the broccoli. Make sure it's cooked but still somewhat raw, or if you think it's better cooked then do it that way. And don't forget the tomatoes. Meaning that I don't want them, perhaps."

I can understand that he didn't want to sear a diagnosis of No Cancer into granite, but oh my freaking goodness I just wanted him to grow a pair and talk straight. Apparently there are places called Breast Care Centers wherein all they care for are breasts. My, what strides women have made in the last century.

So the good news is, no chemo for me, maybe, probably. Let's even say certainly, kind of.

And let this be a reminder to all you women: Check yourself every month!! Really!