You know what's sad?

You know what's sad?

I have a bunch of half-typed blog entries that give the world a real piece of my mind (since there's only a piece left here and there anyway) or some story about baby poop that I havn't finished and posted because I know that I have some readers who don't appreciate that sort of thing.

Is it honest to omit in such a manner? For many of you, this is the best you've known me for the whole time you've known me, and yet I don't put it all on the table even in this place where I can say anything I want without getting argued with (much) or glared at for being crude. ;)

For instance, did I mention that I sprained my back three weeks ago? Nope. Why not? Well, it felt like complaining. It was so painful I couldn't walk, crawl, lift my baby or even look down. A visit to the chiropractor helped tremendously, I don't care what orthopedic surgeons want to tell me about that quackery.

What about mentioning that Frieda is the sort of baby who only poops every 2-3 days and when she does, boy, I just have to hose that child down and dump about a quart of Shout on her clothes. She becomes explosive and haz-mat whilst staring up at me with that mesmerizingly adorable little face and those blue, long-lashed eyes.

Also, I didn't mention that I had surgery two weeks ago. Why not? Because I don't have the time or patience to deflect questions and I'm simply not interested in the gajillion phone calls from people asking me to justify myself concerning an elective surgery. Decision made. All is well. Post op was great, things went perfectly. In fact, upon actually getting in there, the dr congratulated me on my wise choice based on what he found.

Ok, I'll just say it. I had a tubal ligation and an endometrial ablation. Why? Because I'm tired of hemorrhaging every month. It's fatiguing, massively painful, embarrassing when I stain my clothes every 30 mins for 3 days straight every 14-35 days, makes me anemic, and I'm really not interested in being on hormonal birth control until I hit menopause in 20 years. I have four beautiful contributions to the gene pool and I'm up to my gills in trying to care for them in the best way I know how while fixing my own messed up self and nurturing and enjoying my relationship with Husband. So, after much prayer and study, we decided to be done with having more babies and start focusing on building the home we desire.

I'll level with you: I'm a terrible homemaker. I know how to keep things clean but I'm awful at organizing, maximizing my resources, and personalizing my environment. I want better for my children but when I get pregnant I get angry, irritated, incapacitatingly tired, and from the second trimester end up in daily pain from which I can find no relief. The result is that we're all at each other's throats and we all, at one time or another, just have to walk away for a while. Why keep making a bigger family if I want to walk away from the one I have while in the process of adding to it? Why nourish a fetus if I can't bring myself to cook for the kids I've got for 8 months?

If life had been different perhaps we could have kept having kids until my child bearing years came to a natural conclusion. The reality is... we feel that our little family is complete. And we feel that we have God's blessing in this decision. And it has been done. :)

So, on to what was found. It turns out that my uterus is an over functioning little thing and, not only does like to quickly mass-produce offspring, it also produces an exceptionally thick lining. The better to nourish and cushion the offspring. But bad for me. Apparently I'm lucky to have been able to conceive and bear at all, let alone as easily as we did. And it's a good thing we got that D&C when we did to resolve a polyp that was from tissue left over from that last delivery.

The last delivery.

My last baby.

I asked lots of women how they knew when they were done having children.

"We just knew."
"It felt right."
"God said so."
"We're bad parents."
"What, you think we should have had more than 12?"

All real answers from real moms. Some stopped at 2, others... well, people from one town I lived in know who the lady with 12 kids is. Her name starts with K. ;)

And they were right. We knew, we prayed, and what, you think we should have had more than 4? Psh!! If we have more it will be because we adopt. My factory is closed!!

It didn't hurt either that right before I went in for the surgery I was talking to my chiropractor (who also happens to be my bishop) and mentioned the procedure I was going in for. After evaluating my warped and weak body, his professional assessment was that it was a decision that came not one birth too soon. I'm so crooked that I'm 18 pounds heavier on one side, with a twisted spine and a neck that bears to the right. My back is so weak that I can't sit up straight for longer than 3 mins.

My poor broken body. It's time to be free to do whatever I need to in order to fix it and enjoy it. It's time to love and savor the kids I have which I should have been doing all along.

As a bonus for reading this far I have a short video in which I try to get Frieda to smile. Doesn't work as she is too intent upon watching my camera. Oh, well. Baby yawns just slay me.