The oddest one-upmanship

DISCLAIMER: the following is a humorous interpretation of several conversations I've overheard and a few I've managed to get sucked into as well. This is, in no way, a commentary on anyone's blog post or anything you've ever said to me. It's irony of the most anonymous sort.

How NOT to be a good listener.


1: Hi, how are you?
2: Not too bad. How are you?
1: I'm alright. How's Junior doing? You mentioned yesterday that he had a cold.
2: He's doing a little better. His fevers are down to 102°. It's just frustrating that he's got this milk allergy on top of it all.
1: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. My kid only has a peanut allergy. We can't buy a single thing from the store that has even fake peanuts in it. It's a nightmare!
2: Yeah, my kid was in speech therapy when the teacher gave out chocolate bars as a reward for doing so well, I thought I was going to die.
1: Oh, I know. I detest when the snack people bring trail mix to play group! Don't they know that could kill my kid?
2: How thoughtless! That's why I quit going to playgroups.
1: Yeah, I'm going to home school. I just can't trust anyone anymore. Not even Sarah's specialist.
2: I hate all 6 specialists who have been recommended to us. They just don't listen to me!
1: My whole family thinks I'm insane about this allergy. But my therapist listens to me.
2: I know what you mean. I'm glad we go to a therapist. Our marriage might not survive without it. [laughs]
1: We go twice a month. We just can't get by without it, especially with how hard I try to get Sarah through her music lessons. I swear, getting that child to do anything with herself is just so hard!
2: I've found that Tibetian meditation helps Junior, but his ADHD makes it hard for him to sit long enough to benefit from it. I'm sure that if he could just sit still he'd be fine.
1: Yeah, Sarah is so hyper that I just can't chase her everywhere. These bunions will be the death of me.
2: Bunions? I'm so glad I don't have those, especially with these darn flat feet. I've been walking 3 miles a day whenever my knees don't hurt and I can't seem to drop a single pound.
1: I do 2 hours of elliptical twice a day and have actually gained weight. I'm just so addicted to chocolate ever since my brother died.
2: And my addiction to soda has been horrible since we've had to put sweet Fifi down!
1: I'm allergic to dogs. Which is a good thing. I have enough vacuuming to do. [laughs]
2: Well, I should go. I have 10 loads of laundry to wash.
1: Me, too. I have 15 to fold and my dinner is burning!
2: Oh, I have to go because my house is on fire!

[sigh] I have to work on my communication skills. Because my communication skills are worse than yours!! Bwahahahaha!