If Then

Men are so strange. They are the ones who likely first came up with "if, then" philosophy (btw, Hi Sophie! -waves-) but when women use it to explain something to men in their native language, they act as if logic has imploded. (for those who don't know me extremely well, yes, this is all tongue in cheek. Mostly. I've had several complaints from friends and family over the past few weeks that my humor is so dry and obscure that it's simply much harder to get and then laugh at. Please, feel free to laugh during the course of this monologue even if you don't get it. And if you get it, please feel free to explain it to me as well.)

From Wikipedia:

We call X the antecedent, and Y the consequent. The material conditional is also commonly referred to as material implication with the understanding that the antecedent (X) materially implies the consequent (Y).

In other words, "if X, then Y", or "if X is true, then Y must follow and also be true." Let me give you some examples:

Ex A - If my hair looks shaggy and limp, it is time for me to get a hair cut.

(Man doesn't think that this is logical. He thinks that "if my hair looks shaggy and limp, I need to grow it out some more and just braid it." Never mind that logic as it applies to him would state "if my hair looks shaggy and limp, it is time for me to get a hair cut." He thinks that logic, though by its very nature absolute, somehow changes with his opinion and whim. Yes, I know that he and I are variables with different laws of the universe applying to each of us, but go with me on this. )

Ex B - If my house is a mess, it must be cleaned by all who are present until I become comfortable with it once more.

(Man's logic: "if my house is a mess, I should become comfortable with its current state rather than fighting the natural progression of lived-in houses.")

Ex C - If I look tired and grumpy, I should put makeup and a nicer shirt on. (So that my outward appearance reflects my inner desire, if not my current inner state.)

(Man's logic: "if I look tired and grumpy, I should go for a walk or write out a plan of attack concerning the thing I'm grumpy about or otherwise fix it or get over it. As long as it doesn't involve makeup. But you can wear makeup if you want to honey, it's just that you're beautiful without it and makeup is a mask you're hiding behind but you can wear it if you want to. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm just being honest."

And thus we observe the Man creature unwittingly digging his own grave, nailing his own coffin, and asking "may I pull the trigger for you, ma'am?")

Timeout for a second. Last night I actually was tired and grumpy. What Man did say was "Annie, should I go get some chocolate? I'll be right back." Which is more along the lines of "and thus we observe the Man creature doing everything in his power to satiate his mate with humble and considerate offerings. The Woman creature's feathers and fur smooth noticeably at this remarkable gesture and we hear surprise in her voice as she mumbles "something with peanut butter, please." The Man creature is learning wisdom.

Ex C - If we have money, we should spend it on bills (including savings and retirement) and then reserve the rest until next month when a new influx of money arrives, at which time we may spend the previous month's surplus on entertainment and pleasure.

(Man's logic: "Ooooo, money! I need a bigger TV!")

Ex D - If the lawn needs to be mowed, Man should mow it.

(Man's logic: "If the lawn needs to be mowed, we need to rent a goat.")


Men and women readers alike, are there any contributions you'd like to make?