A trite phrase I dislike

"You're not alone."

Oh, please. I've heard that one so much in the past couple of days and it's starting to really wear on my nerves.

Military spouses, know that you are not alone in hardship.
Spouses of deployed service members, know that you are not alone in hardship.
Christian women, know that you are not alone in your faith.
Stay at home spouses, know that you are not alone in your trials.
Stay at home mother of four who does not yet have her education, know that you are not alone in your desire for your education despite what a difficult time of life you're in.

Bah. I don't care if I'm alone. I don't care if I'm the only person in the world who happens to be a stay at home mother with no college, or if I were to be the only military spouse on the planet. That doesn't matter. What I want to know is if there is help for someone in my particular situation, to accomplish that which I desire. If there is no help, then get out of my freaking way so I can get the job done.

I've spent this week either up to my neck in appointments, taking care of sick kids (still!!!) or trying and failing to clean my house. Yesterday I took a few hours off at a friend's house (Thank you, C, it was most needed) and we sat outside and the kids played in her neat new sprinkler, while we knitted and chatted and ate pita chips with roasted garlic hummus. Reality is hard to come home to.

Today I've spent making dr's appts (appts for two kids can't be made until late June), an appt to get the brakes fixed, trying to pull my house back into order, and wondering where we're going to find the money to get the brakes fixed. I'm feeling guilty that I have yet to see my grandmother but I'm wildly anxious about traveling in the mountains with brake pads in screechy mode, telling me they need help, when I also have two dr's appts to go to in the next week so I can't just stay home until our next paycheck. I'm glad we didn't make that road trip earlier this month especially with the brakes showing their hand now. Our resources are stretched to the absolute max, physically and emotionally.

Does anyone else ever feel like Tevye?

What would be so terrible if we had a small fortune?

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were a wealthy man?
(Does funky, awesome, epileptic Tevye shake-your-body dance)

Ok, so I wouldn't want to be a wealthy man. Wealthy woman is ok.

And I get that we're in the wealthiest nation in the world, yadda yadda yadda, but what's the difference between being a slave to finding your next meal and being a slave to credit card companies just to make it to the end of the month? Both are mentally exhausting, especially when you're the sort of people who really are trying to make what they have work for them and give some back at the same time. Part of my decision to just do what I can and leave self improvement in the Lord's hands is that fact that at the end of the day I find myself often despairing over whatever sin I committed that has resulted in struggling so much financially, emotionally, physically. The choices have been made. My part now is to learn from them and find solutions, instead of wondering what sort of horrible and imperfect person I must be to deserve hardship.

I've also said that having a perfect schedule is impossible due to the fact that I would have to depend on perfect humans and such a thing doesn't exist. (not that there's anything wrong with that) The human element of my life is so frustrating I just want to spit rail road spikes. I love my dear friends (that means you, too, M), my husband, children, and human kind, but I find myself fantasizing about a small cave in the mountains where I could just wear an apron like Mother Eve, eat fish and honeycomb, and disappear from history. I think it would take me a very long time to feel lonely. I feel as if so many people are pulling me in so many directions, demanding that whatever I have to give be theirs out of duty or love. I keep telling people that I'm introverted and they keep not believing me. Learning to converse easily with the people around me is a survival skill and something I've come to enjoy, and now I'm having to learn how to keep the number of interactions I have to manageable levels. Not comfortable levels, just manageable ones. Comfortable would have me in that cave in five minutes.

But that isn't the way the world works. I can be forceful in saying "not right now, I'm sorry" but I can't make everyone go away, not if I want happiness in this life. The more I start to understand who I am and what my needs and wants are, the more I realize that Man matches me so well. He isn't a needy person but he's willing to connect with me on any level I ask of him and then he lets me have my distance if I need it. He is so generous in this regard and it's been perfectly what I need.

-sigh- Thanks for letting me vent. Now I need to go clean some more. And follow up on the message I left for a brake appt. And, and, and.