Going it alone

I sometimes wonder if it would be easier just to run this place all by myself. I think it's tempting to feel that being able to make all my own decisions about every aspect of the family would result in greater ease and functionality. I'm sure he feels the same way. "If only she'd see it my way, things would go more smoothly."

What do you think? Does having two people making the decisions together result in a generally more positive outcome?

No, I'm not even remotely thinking of bailing on Man but there will come a time when we'll have to be separated by time and space as the Army dictates. When he's gone I've got all these great plans about routines and budgeting and discipline that, for some reason, I feel are much harder to implement when he's here.

So I ask myself, "Self, what's the real obstacle here?"

Ha! Self doesn't like answering such questions, because it leads to a terrible word in modern psychobabble: codependency.

I think that if we were able to discuss these things and arrive at mutually acceptable solutions which we both worked to enable that we'd find that synergistic (synergetic?), interdependent (is that enough Covey for you in one paragraph?) balance necessary for maximum growth and capability. But the simple reality is that we often get in each other's ways.

-I don't keep a daily master routine in the home; he wants me to.

-He hates micro-budgeting; that's the only way I feel comfortable purchasing big ticket items.

-I despise keeping junk food in the house; he feels deprived if we don't have any on hand.

-Exercise on his own time is easy for him (Army says so); I usually have to find child care to get mine in despite having a dance pad, eye toy, and Wii boxing (it's like schooling -- how on earth would I be able to get anything done if I have to do that at home as well? get me outa here)

-He feels damned by the man concerning the observation of such institutionalized holidays as, well, Mother's Day, or Christmas; I want to be remembered by my spouse on such occasions. (A few days after Mother's Day I finally had to tell him explicitly what I wanted him to buy for me. A week afterward, I had it in my hand. Next year I'll work on him more before the big day.)

-He can't understand why it's so hard for me to live my life to the fullest without any help from him with the kids; I have a hard time engaging in extra-domicile activities on a consistent basis without his help, like church or hypothetical college classes (park day is an exception, but I never remember that either).

No, these items of interest don't interfere with our relationship very often. I recall writing that he only had two annoying habits left, including not filling the water pitcher and telling me how to drive. And really, those are the only two that irk me on any given day. But occasionally some snag in life will cause either of us to silently purse our lips, arch an eyebrow, and think "if only you had listened, this wouldn't be a problem right now" and maybe we're right. Maybe, if we had done it the way the other person wanted there wouldn't have been a problem. But does it follow that not having the other person around would make all this any easier? If I'm right all the time and if it were all to be done my way would those snags be fewer and easier to deal with?

Four day weekends are really a somewhat uncomfortable thing for us. He leaves work. When he goes back, he picks up where he left off. No problem. If I take four days off there is no coming back to where I left off. What I came back to is a demilitarized zone where everyone is wearing loin cloths because there are no clean clothes, eating microwaved ramen out of grape leaves because there are no clean dishes or cooked food, gibbering in a dark and dirty corner of the house because their brains have turned into a thin slime because all they could think to do without me is watch television and hit each other with rocks, and there is a dead pilot from WWI hanging from the dining room light by his own parachute cords. Days off are so much more work but all Man wants to do is relax. So this weekend I tried to find a good balance between relaxing and not letting everything go all Lord of the Flies and I think I've found a few secrets to remember for next time:

1) No "big breakfasts" allowed. This includes anything that creates more than 1/4 of a dishwasher's worth of dirty dishes.

2) If a friend asks if one of my kids can spend the night, the answer is a resounding "Yes! Please! Take some of our food with you and keep her as long as you want!" (we did say yes, but there was initial doubt. No more doubt. It was wonderful.)

3) Don't try to "get everything caught up" in the days leading up to this weekend. It'll just make you want to relax (read: let your brain become a thin slime) the whole time rather than persisting with at least the basics of household maintenance.

4) Buy a frozen lasagna, use the frozen bbq beef, say yes to grilled cheese, and absolutely let your husband grill. Paper plates once or twice.

5) Don't bake cookies. It's fun. But it's an enormous mess. Instead, blow bubbles with your kids outside where the mess can be hosed down.

6) Swap date night with someone. Sure, it means watching someone else's kid(s) for a bit, but it's worth it. Remember that the weekend is a great opportunity for you to enjoy each other and not just an absence of the daily grind.


Ok, now I'm ready for another 4 day weekend. Bring it on.

Ok, so I lost my initial train of thought. Oh well. I'll try to come back to it later. Sleep. Yes, sleep.